The Journey Back to Me...

The Journey back to me…

Where do I begin? I was smart, I did the things I thought I was supposed to do. But one day it was gone. It was either him or me. Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where you stop and think is this it? Is it worth it? I reached that point the day I couldn’t recognize the person in the mirror….

I loved him, he was my heart, but one day I realized that my love wasn’t enough to keep him. Oh sure, we had great times, but the lows we had….they were really low. No one expects some to hurt them and maybe because I wasn’t beaten up every day, maybe I overlooked the mental and emotional abuse, because that was tolerable. I mean it was better than bruises, wasn’t it? Then one day after a bad fight, my daughter intervened and he put a knife to her neck. I begged him and loved on him to make it stop. He put the knife down, I thought I could keep that secret and just move past it and as I comforted my daughter and got her back to bed, I saw my grandmother looking at me. She had been staying at my house for the summer and she heard the fight and commotion. The look of disappointment she gave me,  ate me up inside. She didn’t say much, just told me my grandfather would be so disappointed in me.

But hey….what is disappointment? Can I live with that, I mean after all, I had a family with this man. I am a wife and mother. I am supposed to keep my family together, right? Even if it means sacrificing my life. Where was my head at then? I let him destroy most of my self-worth. I was no longer me. I was him…

I made excuses to my family and friends for why I couldn’t go out. I was a prisoner in my own home. I smiled through everything. That masked the pain…well sort of. But the funny thing is one day I was enjoying my kids, he was gone and we all were laughing and having a great time. I realized that they were walking on the same eggshells I was and it wasn’t fair, they deserved better…hell I deserved better. So I started working on my own business goals, making sure I was at every awards ceremony and sporting event for my kids and that last fight, when he threatened to leave, walk out that door…I didn’t beg him to stay. I cried, but I cried because I was evolving, I loved the thought of him, but I hadn’t been in love with him for quite sometime. So when said you want to end this…Yes, yes I do…and that was the day I started my journey back to me…